Who Insulted Your Hippogriff?
by Telemancer
Summary: Who Insulted Your Hippogriff... Sirius Black is suddenly friends with Lily Evans! Gasp! But why, James Potter wonders with rage bubbling inside him, and are they just friends? James is now acting like his hippogriff has been called fat and ugly. Remus Lupin plays detective but knew it all along and Peter really isn't as stupid as you thought! A very light and humorous T.
1. Chapter 1 - How Dare He?

_Hi, I am Tele of Telemancer (reference to different series, Skulduggery Pleasant) and this is our second fanfiction but first Harry Potter one and first drabble!_

 **Hi, I am Mancer of Telemancer and I LOVE YOU ALL! Heh. So I did the main plot of this one**

 _Yes but the brilliant twist ending was mine! You know where you figure out that-_

 **SHUTUPNOWTELE! Oh and we edited and wrote the chapters equally instead of Tele always writing and me always editing. But now you see what I have to deal with!**

 _Yeah, you're one to talk! You wouldn't let me name this story Cwazy Cucumber!_

 **No but I did get you interested in kneazles.**

 _You make a valid point, though they aren't as good as kumquats!_

 **I agree! Oh and disclaimer: Everything but the plot is our Darling Queen J.K. Rowling! We are mere peasants who had a picnic with her characters.**

 _We hail you, your Highness! We would die for you!_

 **Yes, we will do anything for more of your work PLEASE! *starts sobbing***

 _Anywho, the first instalment of… Hey Mancer, what's the title again?_

 **WHO INSULTED YOUR HIPPOGRIFF?**

James Potter came back from Quidditch practice, with Marlene McKinnon's gossip, fuming, utterly blowing steam out of his ears. As he climbed the long stone stairway that led to the Gryffindor Common Room, he paid no attention to the moving paintings or Peeves swooping around his head due to his rage. _How dare he_ , he thought at every echoing footfall. _He's supposed to be my friend. HOW DARE HE!_ Within a few minutes of the mantra playing Quidditch in his head, he came to the Fat Lady eating sweets and by then was ready to give the man who ruined everything a piece of his supernaturally talented mind!

"Kneazles!" he growled, stomping into the portrait before it fully swung open. He burst into the warm, relaxed common room, the Fat Lady's indignation fading behind his messy black hair. He devoured the room for a second before his eyes found TheTraitorBestFriend and Lily Evans talking near the fire. He stalked over to them and, not even bothering to flirt with Lily (still throwing a grin her way, did you really think he wasn't going to do anything?), furiously grabbed Sirius and dragged him up the stairs to their dorm. The Gryffindors on site sighed at the disappearing boys, obviously yearning for drama. The redhead by the flames bit her lip, staring at the stairway before picking up her quill and marking some parchment.

"HOW DARE YOU!" James screeched, slamming the door and glaring at Sirius.

"Who insulted your hippogriff?" Sirius Orion Black rolled his grey eyes at James' familiar temper tantrum, only worthy of a child with no siblings, but with a slight trace of worry on his face. Sirius sat down on his red and gold bedspread, the angry Chaser shooting Unforgivables through hazel eyes lacking the usual mischievous twinkle so many girls swooned over.

"YOU KNOW I LIKE HER!" he yelled, ignoring Sirius' question and pacing the room. Black, regal eyebrows furrowed before a sense of clarity slipped over Black's face.

"Prongs, we're just friends!"

"Oh sure you are, _notorious_ _womanizer_ , then why does she still hate me?"

"Because you flirt every chance you get!" Sirius said, slightly exasperated. He ran a hand through his black tresses. James scoffed.

"Oh please, that can't be it, every other girl loves being flirted with!"

"Yeah but this is Lily Evans we're talking about! She's different!"

"You think I don't know that? That's the whole reason we have these conversations! Every summer I go home and think I'm over the crazy bird but when I see her again, she's different from every other woman. She's different, that's why my first year self saw a challenge, that's why my second year self had to try, why my third year self wanted to be friends, why fourth year wanted to be more, and why fifth year got so ridiculously addicted. But that still doesn't explain why you are suddenly friends with her!"

"Oh, she just came up to me after the second Great Hall one begging for my affections!" Sirius quipped, a smile playing on his lips.

"Merlin. _Not funny_ , Padfoot, not funny!" But even James couldn't help but smile. Sirius ruffled his best friend's hair and James instantly groaned, running to the mirror to fix the carefully placed chaos. Sirius watched him.

"Don't worry, Prongs, I'm not snogging or trying to snog Snaps. Anyway, she told me how to do the Potions homework. We want to be able to go Hogsmeade this weekend, right?"

James followed Sirius back to the Common Room with the steam vapourized and wearing a small smile but he knew Sirius had evaded his question, he proposed _homework_ for Agrippa's sake, and James hadn't, wouldn't, forget it. He would just have to put the best detective there is on the case, Remus Lupin! Sirius and his best friend's crush stealing tendencies wouldn't stand a chance!

 **So, hope you like the chappy!**

 _We wrote it in a day!_

 **If you have any guesses as to why Sirius is friends with Lily or what will happen next review us!**

 _OR pm us!_

 **Hmm, anything else?**

 _Just that we thank you for reading and hope you stick with us through all hits from a bludger!_

 **And from the whomping willow! Love you all, thanks for reading, review if you'd like, bye!**


	2. Chapter 2 - This Is Such A Great Plan!

**So this is Chapter Two! Like the super fast publish time? Under five minutes?**

 _No Mancer, it's chapter 42! Gods, it's not like they can count to two and we totally didn't write it RIGHT UP THERE!_

 **HEY, maybe they are blind!**

 _Then they won't be reading this!_

 **What if they are kindergarteners!**

 _If they can read this, they can count to two!_

 **Fine but I was just being careful!**

 _Blah, blah, blah, anyway everything but the plot is le Queen's she is so amazing, I'm not even worthy to speak her name!_

 **Thanks for sticking with us for chappy two!**

 _Love you all!_

 **On with Who Insulted Your Hippogriff? !**

James Potter came back from Quidditch practice, with Marlene McKinnon's gossip, grinning, blissfully happy. As he climbed the long stone stairway that led to the Gryffindor Common Room, he paid no attention to the moving paintings or Peeves swooping around his head due to his happiness with himself. _This is such a great plan_ , he thought at every echoing footfall. _It's definitely going to work. This is such a great plan!_ Within a few minutes of the mantra playing Quidditch in his head, he came to the Fat Lady eating sweets and by then was ready to give the man perfect for the job a plan straight from his supernaturally talented mind!

"Fwooper!" he just-about-sang, swaggering into the portrait before it fully swung open. He strolled into the warm, relaxed common room, the Fat Lady's indignation fading behind his messy black hair. He looked around the room for a second before his eyes found TheTraitorBestFriend, Lily Evans, and TheBestBestFriend talking near the fire. He, in a very manly way, skipped over to them and, flirting with Lily- "Excuse me, can you give me the directions to your heart?", "Sod off, Potter!" - , cheerily grabbed Remus and dragged him up the stairs to their dorm. The Gryffindors on site sighed at the disappearing boys, obviously yearning for drama. The redhead by the flames bit her lip, staring at the stairway before picking up her quill and marking some parchment as Sirius leaned closer, mouth opening.

"I HAVE SUCH A GOOD IDEA!" James squealed, slamming the door and grinning at Remus.

"Who gave your Niffler to Leprechauns?" Remus Lupin rolled his green eyes at James' resemblance to a teenage girl but with a slight trace of excitement on his face. Remus sat down on his red and gold bedspread, the bouncing Chaser shooting Cheering Charms through hazel eyes with twice the usual amount of mischievous twinkle so many girls swooned over.

"You know how Sirius is spending loads of time with Lily?" he said, ignoring Remus' question and pacing the room, rubbing his hands together.

"Prongs, they're just friends!" Remus explained.

"Oh _sure_ they are, Evans and the _notorious_ _womanizer_ are _friends_. It's impossible for Sirius to do that! Since you're on good terms with both, _you_ have to figure out _why_ this recent development happened. With Wormtail as your lackey."

"I feel like that had loads of italics in it. And I'm not doing that because you are wrong about Lily and Sirius being more than friends! It's none of your business why they became friends." Remus said, slightly exasperated. he ran a hand through his sandy tresses.

"Oh please, they can't be friends, every other girl Sirius knows he flirts with!"

"Yes but this is Lily Evans we're talking about! She's different!"

"You think I don't know that? That's the whole reason we have these conversations! Like I've said before, every summer I leave school and think I'm over the crazy bird but when I see Lily again, she's different from every other woman. She's different, that's why my first year self recognized a challenge, that's why my second year self had to try, why my third year self wanted to be friends, why fourth year wanted to be more, and why fifth year got so ridiculously addicted. But that still doesn't explain why Sirius wouldn't flirt with her!"

"Because Sirius doesn't-" Remus cut himself off, a frown playing on his lips.

"Merlin. Sirius doesn't what, Moony? _What?_ " James couldn't help but frown. Remus sighed, defeated.

"Don't worry, Prongs, I'll play detective for you. Did you and Sirius finish the Potions homework? We want to be able to go Hogsmeade this weekend, right?"

James followed Remus back to the Common Room with self-satisfaction at his wonderful plan and wearing a small smile but he knew Remus had almost slipped up, he changed the subject at a Nimbus turn, for Agrippa's sake, and James hadn't, wouldn't, forget it. He would just have to put the next best detective there is on the case, himself! Sirius with his best-friend's-crush-stealing-tendencies and Remus with his Sirius-doesn't-secret wouldn't stand a chance!

 _Hope you enjoyed it! Oh and no, we are not going to do the same setup with slightly different conversations for the whole thing!_

 **Definitely not, we just used this style to show James' crazy and endearing moods/personalities. Also, feel free to guess what Lupin and Sirius are hiding!**

 _Though we probably won't tell you if you get it right or not!_

 **We know the title seems random and it sorta is but meh, WHATEVER!**

 _Better than Cwazy Cucumber!_

 **And What The Baby Kneazles!**

 _Hey those were both my ideas!_

 ***ahem* Well, hopefully we will see you next time!**

 _We both LOVE YOU ALL!_

 **Though not as much as much as we love ourselves!**

 _J.K._

 **Rowling!**

 _Or are we…?_


	3. Chapter 3 - Domesticated Kneazles

Chapter Three - Domesticated Kneazles

 **Hello, we're back! Again! Another chappy IN ONE DAY!**

 _WOOO! Accomplishments!_

 **Although it is a bit short…**

 _But it had to be. It's not like we're going to go to Hogsmeade this chapter! I say they should just be glad there's a new one!_

 **Amen, sister.**

 _?_

 **I don't know… It sounded sort of cool, I guess.**

 _Ookay then. Well, all characters and settings go to the Wonderful Witch, Rowling._

 **We just took them to a hallway and an empty classroom, made Sirius-**

 _ON WITH THE CHAPPY! Baby kneazles girl, what's wrong with you?_

 **I was just going to say take me on his motorbike, do an interview, take selfies together... And what's wrong with me? We should be asking what the Tartarus wrong with you…**

 _I go undercover as the Chicken of Shadows every so often and steal people's chickens… I mean, I like cheese!_

 **Hehehehehehe… Enjoy the chappy!**

Remus Lupin was absentmindedly making his way to Transfiguration only a bit early, running into a Ravenclaw on the way, trying to think of his first lie to feed James, as to he could hide his friend's secret. _Yes_ , he thought, _lying is bad but wouldn't you do it to protect a friend_? The answer was obvious. Remus was forced out of his thoughts when he heard someone attempt to whisper. The sandy blonde's head jerked up, trying to find the source of the sound.

"Pssst, Remus!" Remus slipped into the unoccupied classroom and saw just what he expected to see - James Potter standing there with a very serious expression on his face.

"So," he said in a whisper, "What have you found out?"

"Um, Prongs, what are we doing in an empty classroom?"

"Moony, we can't let anyone know you're working for me! So what have you found out?"

"I have been on the case for less than 24 hours! Of course I haven't found anything out!"

"Why not? Was he avoiding you?" James leaned closer, hungry for information.

"What? No, it's because I have been sleeping for all but one hour since you assigned me the case! And all I've since of Sirius-" Here James cut him off.

"The subject!"

" _The subject_ is him snoring!"

"Ah, I see lazy-itis is the problem is! You've become a domesticated Kneazle! You will have to be cured or I may have to tell Sirius you have been spying on him!" Remus rolled his eyes but knew he would have to tell James the one thing that he had found out. No matter how mad it would make him! It had to be done, to get James off his case! Remus started hesitantly.

"Well... I did find out that Lily and Sirius are going to Hogsmeade this weekend."

"Moonbeam, of course they are, we are! You really aren't much of a detective!"

"Merlin! James, they are going TOGETHER!" James gasped and fell against the wall, clutching his heart, the other hand against his forehead in a very dramatic fashion.

"How could he?" James wailed. "I thought we were fffrrriiieeennndddsss!"

"Prongs, they're just going as friends!" Remus sighed at his friend's theatrics.

"Oh _sure_ they are, Moonlight!"James said, rolling his eyes, but still managing looking upset.

" _James._ They are!" James got an evil look in his eyes.

"Sure they are… But this a good opportunity to catch them in the act! And you Moony, my man, are going to help me! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" James fell to the floor, evil laughter echoing around the room.

"Well, I know what comes next in this scenario..." Remus said resignedly.

"Moonshine… I think it's time we get out the cloak and map! And go finally understand what all this is about!"

 _Well,_ Remus thought to himself. _This isn't too bad. Maybe I will actually learn why they're friends instead of just knowing why they aren't what James thinks they are!_

 **So, what did you guys think of lovesick James?**

 _He sure is a CWAZY cucumber!_

 **I knew you would say that…!**

 _That's what we should have named the chapter!_

 **I knew you would say that…!**

 _Well everyone is a psychic but professor Trelawney!_

 **And the kneazle I am raising!**

 _Yeah well, I'm raising a herd of domestic chickens!_

 **Aren't all chickens domestic?**

 _Well… All of these chickens were rescued on Purge Night by the Chicken of Shadows which is DEFINITElY not me!_

 **Oh great, now we're back to the Chicken Genocide!**

 _I shall fight it and the Chicken of Shadows shall prevail!_

 **And the Chicken of Bubbles will help! Hope you liked the chappy!**

 _AND fight the Chicken Genocide!_

 **Bye!**

 _Save the chickens!_


	4. Chapter 4 - A Rat's Tale

Chapter Four - A Rat's Tale

 **Lots of clues in this one! And misdirection! We might say something that's entirely wrong! Or try to convince you that we're entirely wrong when we're entirely right or vice versa! And always remember that what the characters think they know might not be what is actually happening, and the characters might think they don't know what's going on but they actually do! Ugh… This is getting complicated!**

 _And look out for the formatting! It might be giving you a message! Ooooh!_

Peter Pettigrew had barely noticed what was going on with his friends, he was straight up oblivious. Peter was facing his own difficulty of making sure that Sirius and James thought he was cool! Yes, he had been facing this problem for six years now but it was still number one on his agenda! Besides, if it really mattered why Sirius was with Lily, the answer was quite obvious… If you had happened to have overheard the whole conversation between Lily and Sirius! Hogwarts could then understand Peter's confusion when James came up to his fellow Marauder freaking out over how Sirius was going to Hogsmeade with Lily Evans and Remus' 'lazyitis' or whatever garble James had poured and Peter had realized that JAMES DOESN'T KNOW! But even that was not the most surprising part! What was is that the number one on Peter's list and one of James' many drama-fits collided when James just about ran Peter over in the hallway!

"OW! Idiot, watch where you're-" James saw it was Peter and cut himself off. "All right, Pete? I have a mission for you!" The messy black haired boy slung an arm around his friend and maneuvered through the crowd into an almost-empty side corridor.

"What's the mission, Prongs? What mischief shall we embark on now?"

"Well, it's not as much mischief as it is espionage. Actually, it's just espionage and no mischief. What say you, Wormy?" Wormtail just stared in disbelief. Usually, it was Remus who did these sort of side missions since Sirius and James had a partnership. Finally, the watery eyed boy swallowed the surprise and spat out some sentences.

"Me?" he spluttered. "What? Spy? Who? Remus? Me?"

"Yes, you! Don't splutter, Marauders don't splutter and-"

"James, there's a reason why Sirius called your fourth year 'The Splutter Year!'"

"That was Lily's fault! Anyway, I need you to spy on Sirily during Hogsmeade. Remus will be helping you but we need your practical methods because who knows what Remus will do!"

"James, nobody finds your making-up-words-thing endearing! Just because 'the English language is stupid and doesn't have words to describe this', you can't make up words!"

"Sirily is Sirius and Lily's code name, Pete. It was a hard decision between Sirily and LilyPad. Pad as in Padfoot. Would you just agree to go with Remus and get to the bottom of this?"

"Oh, fine, Prongs. As long as you're not just getting me to do it because I'm a rat." Peter started to class, James following.

"Oh no, Pete. Although that's helpful, you need to reign in Remus. And you have to figure out what he knows! He was telling me why he thought Sirily are just friends and then he let slip he knows something that he can't tell me!" Peter racked his brain for anything that fit the scenario and came upon one recent late-night-whispered-Common-Room-conversation Peter stumbled upon when he Invisibility Cloak-ed down to the kitchens for some hot cocoa.

"Oh! You mean how Sirius is-"

"Yeah-exactly-Pete-got-to-run-now-I'm-late-to-class-bye!" James sprinted off towards one redhead girl levitating a stack of books. Pete chuckled, recognizing the voice James always used when Lily was nearby to end a conversation. The short, stocky boy headed off to his next class, honestly having no idea where or what it was, just following a girl who had all his same classes.

Peter had figured out the class was Herbology and was now engaged in a violent war with Remus against a Snargaluff. Peter had informed Remus about the James' request, realized that they both know about the secret James is totally oblivious towards but can't tell James because it's Sirius' to tell, and were now embarking on how to clue James in. James was obviously crazy and acting like _Sirius_ fell in love with _Snape_! Basically, they decided James needed a little… Push in the right direction! Also known as, someone owes James an explanation. There's only one person qualified to do that, considering Sirius obviously wasn't ready to let the Kneazle out of the bag. But luckily that one person had a soft spot for Peter and Remus! Unfortunately, Remus was already sworn into Sirius and Lily's group, so a person from the other camp had to march past the front line, Soldier Peter Pettigrew. Time for a plan… Actually after Herbology was over, it was time for a plan. Right now, Remus and Peter, as James' detectives, had to figure out what the Merlin's left buttock they were going to do about Hogsmeade mission.

The class poured out the greenhouse, splitting into two groups. Remus followed the first out to Care Of Magical Creatures and Peter followed that one girl and her friends up to the castle. He reviewed the plan for Hogsmeade - someone had to tell Sirius and Lily that Remus and Peter had to spy on them, keep the couple in sight at all times, report back to James the truth (or what hopefully would be the truth) that 'Sirily' didn't hold hands, kiss, or do anything like that. Peter nodded once, satisfied with the plan, and moved on to how he was going to tell Lily to talk to James. Obviously, James had to be gone or else Peter would be in deep trouble, Lily had to be in a good mood, and Peter had to explain his position very well. So, order of business number one - James being gone. Quidditch practice. Done. Order of business number two - Lily being open-minded. Recently, Lily had been unusually happy. Peter thought it had to do with Sirius. Done. Finally, order of business number three - Peter explaining the situation well. That was going to be the hardest one as the fourth Marauder was known to fumble words and sighed a bit, hoping he didn't mess up, and checked back into reality. He was a staircase away from his next class, a few hours away from a chance to speak to Lily, and three days left until Hogsmeade. Peter swore. He was so going to mess up. This was important. Okay, maybe not talking to Lily, spying for James, and his next class, but James finding out was huge. But no one except Peter knew it yet. Peter swore again. This time, it really didn't have any meaning, but Sirius seemed to swear after saying particularly dramatic things and 'But no one except Peter knew it yet' sounded more dramatic than almost all the things Sirius swore after. Which was almost everything, mind you.

In almost a blink of an eye for Peter, he was a staircase away from the Gryffindor Common Room, thirty minutes away from a chance to speak to Lily, and closer to two days left until Hogsmeade. Peter scanned the Common Room before strategically sitting down in an armchair which was a couch away from Lily Evans' claimed armchair. Peter made sure he wasn't actually sitting in her armchair because, well, he really didn't want to be that shrimp of a bloke who sat in her chair last year. The fourth Marauder scanned the room one last time and began writing about the importance of nonverbal charms on the battlefield. He finished quickly as Flitwick's only requirement was to have all the necessary information which the teacher then began to list. He checked his list of homework, most of which had been completed in Peter's free period, and realized the only thing left was to apply the nonverbal charm lectures heard in recent classes on Lumos Maxima. Peter frowned a bit at the nonverbal part of it, but began to cast the spell instead his head.

 _Lumos Maxima._ No light appeared.

Contrary to popular belief, Peter Pettigrew was not stupid. It was just the fact that his friends were basically geniuses that made everyone think that Peter wasn't the brightest Patronus in Auror Department.

 _Lumos Maxima._ The tip of his wand sparked but that was all.

Yes, that was a bit annoying at times but his friends were redeemed by being so brill and when Peter came upon a particularly hard spell, they rose to the challenge of helping him.

 _Lumos Maxima._ Peter could feel the magic surge down his arm and into his wand, where it abruptly died out.

All in all, Peter could use a bit of tutoring here and there but most people underestimated how smart the 'meek, boring boy who trailed after the true Marauders' really was.

 _Lumos Maxima._ This time, the magic -

"Peter?" A female voice twisted into his thinking trance and Peter jumped, his wand hissing. "Sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you, I just saw you sitting there and thought I should say hello what with us being friends and all!" Peter twisted in his chair and saw Lily Evans occupying her designated throne.

"Oh, Lily, blimey! You gave me a start! I was in a bit of a trance, practicing Maxima nonverbal. I'm having some difficulty." Peter smiled, jumping on the chance to talk to Lily. He checked his watch, making sure James was at Quidditch practice. The team would be doing drills by now.

"Merlin, did I ever! I knew the theory, but it's so hard applying it. I would blame your failures on Flitwick though, what he really should have done was start us on the standard Lumos. I tried that, got it right away, moved on to Maxima, and it made it so much easier!" Lily leaned over to Peter, motioning him to try it. Peter concentrated on the result he wanted, a tiny ball of light balancing on his wand's tip and thought the spell.

 _Lumos._ Weak.

"Try it again, Peter. It took me a couple of tries."

 _Lumos._ Better.

"Again."

 _Lumos._ A tiny spark.

"You're getting there!"

 _Lumos._ Two tiny sparks.

"One more time!"

 _Lumos._ Light flared.

"Perfect! Now do that a couple of times, just to get the feel of nonverbal. It's really just concentrating on the result, which I find amazing since I always thought it was the words doing the work, but it's actually the wizard." Lily rambled on as Peter perfected the nonverbal Lumos. He looked up at Lily Evans and her flushed cheeks and shining eyes.

"I think I got it," Peter said.

"Brill. Try Maxima now, and concentrate on getting the same feeling as Lumos. It might take a bit, but keep trying. You can always cast Maxima aloud to see the visual, then image it as you cast nonverbal."

"Cheers, Lily!"

"Anytime, Peter! I have to finish up a conclusion paragraph and plan out my next tutoring session for those cheeky little blighters. Oh, trying to get them to do nonverbal… So blinkered at that age, they wouldn't be able to do it! Just ask me if you need some help, I'll be glad to." Peter diligently got down to business, casting charm after charm. He mastered Lumos Maxima nonverbal and realized Lily's I'm-concentrating-so-do-NOT-disturb-me expression was gone. Peter still had 47 minutes. He mentally prepared himself. He physically prepared himself. And he began the battle. This was going to be very difficult. Very difficult indeed.

"Hey Lily? Are you done with your work?" The redhead looked up from her quill and parchment a little distracted. She blinked fog out of her eyes.

"Oh, yes, I am. Just doodling! What's up, Peter?" He thought he saw a drawing of a dark haired person before Lily filed it into her satchel.

"Well, James is going a little bit crazy because he thinks you and Sirius are romantically attached, and he -" Peter paused as Lily began spluttering. He remember earlier that day, James saying something about how Marauder's don't splutter. Peter ignored Lily's noises and continued. "He likes you so I would really appreciate if you would talk to James and -"

"I was afraid this would happen… But I can't help James, the only help he needs is someone to explain what's going on! The only person who can do that is Sirius Black!"

"Lily, you're the only one who can talk some sense into him! Just go up to him, say that you and Sirius are not dating, you're just friends, and tell him to stop being insane! You can even row with him or hex him-"

"Peter, I know you're trying to help James, but I can't do that!"

"Why not? Literally, just say 'James, Sirius and I are just friends, solemnly swear, so stop being insane!' I doubt he'd try to kiss you or anything like that."

"I don't want to come in contact with James right now!"

"Merlin, Lily. Why?"

"Because, well, I-" Lily faded away, her bright green eyes darting away from Peter's watery blue ones. "Fine. I will say that, only that, no follow-up conversations or anything."

"Thank you, Lily! Really, cheers! Oh, and James wants Remus and I to spy on you and Sirius during Hogsmeade."

"Oh, Agrippa, he found out about that?"

"You thought he wouldn't? Just stay in sight throughout the day and don't do anything I wouldn't."

"Anything that could be seen as dating?"

"Exactly. Thanks, Lily."

"No, thank you," Lily said, rubbing her eyes. "I'm going to get ready for bed. James comes back in a few minutes, yeah? I'll talk to him tonight. Bye, Peter, we should do this again sometime. Not deal with drama, but spend some time together."

"Definitely. G'night!" Peter headed to the boy's dorm, glad he accomplished his mission. If he didn't, he probably would have had to spend Hogsmeade as a rat!

 **So, you like the chappy?**

 _Oh and PLEASE review if you have any guesses about what is going on! If you get it right I will give you cyber hug and a shout out in a later chappy! If you get it wrong I will laugh at you!_

 **Any guesses as to why Lily doesn't want to talk to James? I won't laugh at you. I may smirk though.**

 _Oh I do… Is it because she has found out James' hidden secret that he is a bee bear and is attacking Ponyville so he can steal Twilight's cheese? And the only one who can stop him is Bon Bon?_

 **Tele, you wrote this with me!**

 _Well actually I don't know because you are the one who added that in!_

 **Oh then, I'm not telling you if you're right! *evil laughter echoes around the cold, secretive cave Telemancer has chosen to meet in***

 _You're mean! But I know I'm right!_

 **You are… How did you guess? Oh and check out our Jilly one-shot!**


	5. Chapter 5- Lily Kicks GrAss

Chapter 5 - Lily Kick GrAss

 _We are SOOOOOOOO sorry for the long wait, people, I was really busy! And Mancer was babysitting the whole time!_

 **Excuses, Excuses! You went to HP world!**

 _You were there too! You brought me!_

 **Oh right… :) So here is the new chappy!**

 _Disclaimer: Our name is Telemancer, not J.K. Rowling!_

 **(Thank you to Deadgirl19 for providing us with some British slang so the characters don't sound American!)**

James Potter bounded up the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room, feeling dead chuffed with his Quidditch team's performance that evening. He loved Quidditch, loved the feeling of freedom it gave him, loved the escape it provided from difficulties that real life threw at him. The fact that it distracted him from Lily was always an added plus.

"Pumpkin juice!" James practically sang to the Fat Lady. She rolled her eyes at James' mood but still swung forward, letting him in. James barely noticed, having going back to thinking about strategies for the next game. He was debating whether Peakes would be able to play what with his injury when-

"Oi, watch out!" James said to the person he had just ran into. The Gryffindor turned, a scowl on her face. As James realized who she was, he changed his demeanor entirely, slipped a thumb through his belt loop and running a hand through his hair. "Hey Evans. Fancy seeing you here. What's up?" James was practically purring.

"One, we both live here so you don't have to 'fancy seeing me here' because of course I'm here! And two, I would be talking to you if it weren't for your mates practically begging me to make you stop acting like a numpty." Lily completely ignored James' "sleepy voice".

"What did I do this time?" James asked, tired of this song and dance.

"You have been acting like a complete buffoon simply because I have been spending time with Sirius," Lily explained, choosing her words carefully. James' face darkened as he remember Sirius' actions.

"Just stay out of this, Lily. I don't want to talk about how you won't even give me a chance, but you are friendly with Sirius without barely a warning! You are such a hypocrite! How could you be so heartless? I am hurt, offended, maybe a little hungry but that last one has nothing to do with you!"

Lily gave him a slightly confused look before responding, "James Potter, Sirius and I aren't together! So stop acting like a child and get over the fact that I'm spending time with your best mate! Stop acting so jealous!"

"Sirius is still not helping my chances with you! But if you two aren't together then… Lily Evans, would you make my month, nay, my year, even my whole life by accompanying me on a date?" Lily rolled her eyes and marched up to her dorm with James yelling assorted pickup lines at her back.

The next day, James was in a much better mood. It was Friday, the last day of lessons for the week, he could legally visit Hogsmeade tomorrow, and he had his best friend back once more. He was still sore with Sirius, but very eager to find out what happened to make Sirius and Lily suddenly become friends. James tried not to remember that Sirius was going to the village with Lily and focus on Remus and Peter's spy mission. The messy haired boy was so focused on whatever was going through his mind that he barely noticed he was even in class.

"Mr. Potter, this is the last time I will say it, turn to page 182!" Flitwick said, annoyed. James obliged, scanned the section (he already knew how to cast the charm), and looked around to see Sirius staring at the back of the room. The Marauder turned away, frowning and looking upset. He stared down at his textbook, avoiding eye-contact. James, figuring he shouldn't upset Flitwick anymore, vowed to talk to Sirius later and turned away. A few moments later, James looked around the room again, bored, and saw Lily looking at Sirius emphatically but not getting a response from her target. James rolled his eyes, still annoyed about the attention his best mate was getting that James pined for.

When lessons were finally let out, James was exhausted but wanted to talk to Sirius before he crashed on his bed with a quill, some parchment, and information on the Alihotsy Draught. He found Sirius on a couch, chatting with some bird. James took the seat across his friend and the dark-haired girl gave James a glare, but left.

"Hey Sirius, look, I'm sorry for not believing you about you and Lily just being friends. I was overreacted and should have curbed my jealousy and trusted you!" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Why do you always do these huge apologies? You are such a girl sometimes, Prongs! Besides, I probably should have explained about Lily before you heard it from other people."

"Besties then?" James asked, smirking.

"As long as you never say 'besties' again, then yes!"

"Brill. Oh, y'alright mate? In Charms, you staring at some bloke, a Hufflepuff I think. What was that all about?"

"Dunno. Maybe he laughed or something when Flitwick called you out," Sirius said, looking uncomfortable and rubbing the back of his neck.

"Oh okay," James said with a smile. Knowing everything was almost back to normal and knowing you'll soon get some answers about the things that aren't normal really brightens your day.

 **Wooo, new chappy! Tele and readers, what did you think?**

 _I thought it was great!_

 **Wow, really? It's not like** you **wrote it! (I edited!)**

 _Oh and if you want to hear James pickup lines we have a story about them! It's under the label Marauder Era, Next Gen, something-something, Oh My!_

 **Yep! Well, a one-shot about them.**

 _So yeah, until next time!_

 **Read and review if you fancy it!**


	6. Chapter 6 - Shy Architects

Chapter Six - Shy Architects

Finally…

The weekend of Hogsmeade had finally arrived! James Potter was free, free from classes, free from homework until his scheduled freakout session to frantically finish all his essays Sunday night at 11:30. But even that wasn't the best part! The thing of paramount importance was that James Potter was free to spy on his best friend in the whole wide world! He, in a very manly way, skipped to the broom cupboard where he had arranged a very secret meeting for a very secret mission with his Secret Agents Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin.

When he arrived at this humble abode, he had just scanned his, albeit very cramped, surroundings when he heard the clumsy clumps that signaled the dramatic arrival of Peter Pettigrew.

"Finally! You have arrived. Where is the bookworm, the wolf, the Remus Lupin?" James asked in a deadly serious voice.

"Er, well, he was reading a book on the way here and ran into a wall and spilled his satchel everywhere. I was going to help him, but he told me to go ahead." Peter finished explaining and waited for James to bestow some great and powerful advice. The messy haired boy didn't disappoint. He turned to Peter. "Wormtail. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a shy architect?"

Peter stared.

Remus Lupin stumbled into the broom cupboard.

"Let the meeting commence," James announced, trademark smirk stealing his lips.

After almost an hour of "planning", also known as teenage mayhem, the group had come to a conclusion.

"Okay, I will follow them in the Invisibility Cloak and you two will distract them while I kidnap Lily's owl and take it to the dorm so I can cast loads of really complicated Transfiguration spells on it because I'm just that brill. Then I'll interrogate the owl. Girls confide in their owls right? Isn't that why they're called birds?" James strategized with a crazy look in his eyes.

"Prongs, that will never work," Remus said very calmly, looking his friend straight in the eyes.

"You never know. What about a listening device we can plant on them?"

"Hasn't anyone read _Hogwarts: A History_? Muggle technology doesn't work here! Besides, where would you even get one?"

"Oh, I don't know…" James turned to Peter. The blue-eyed boy looked fearful and backed away from the slightly-more-crazed-than-usual James Potter. The boy approached his

"Prongs. Think about what you're about to do. Would Lily like it if you came down to this level? Just stick with your crazy scrambled eggs and maple syrup, don't fall to cannibalism!" Peter was backed into a wall now, arms covering his face. James stopped and stared at him.

"Wait, what? I don't want to eat you! Remus is here, Wormtail, that would be very unprofessional. I just wanted you to turn into the true Wormtail!" James vocalized, trying to look innocent. Peter did as he was told and James promptly scooped him up."Looks like I found my listening device. So Remus, you distract them, and I will plant the device with the help of my Invisi-cloak."

"Ugh fine, follow me." After a long walk with James whispering "helpful" tips to him the whole time, Remus found what he was looking for.

It didn't take long for him to locate Lily, and her tablemate Sirius - much to James' dismay - , knowing that today was a perfect day for a butterbeer. He found their table and walked over, trying to think of a way to distract them that was smarter than what James suggested.

"Hey you two, what's up?" Lily said, initiating the conversation when she saw Remus walk up.

"Oh not much," the werewolf responded, panicking because Lily had began the exchange. "Hey, Lily, have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a shy architect?" Remus inwardly facepalmed. Stupid James and his stupid random comments.

Lily looked confused.

"Remus, have you been eating chocolate again?"

 **We are the biggest bakas in the world!**

 _I'm almost as much of an idiot as envy._

 **Tele you are waaaaaaaay too FMAB obsessed!**

 _I know I have a problem!_

 **Anyway, this chapter was just sitting on docs, basically finished for like a month!**

 _I thought we had published it! So when I came to write chapter 7, there was a big mix up!_

 **Sorry, for the long wait, on the bright side we have already started the next chapter!**

 _Have fun!_

 **You're creeping them, and me, out…**

 _Oh ho ho stop it you're making me blush!_

 **Ignore her, have a nice day!**

 _AKA have fun!_


	7. Chapter 7 - The Chapter of Many Titles

Chapter Seven - The Chapter of Many Titles

 _The Rat That Thinks He's a frog_

 _Sexy as Wormtail_

 **What Are We Supposed To Write About Again?**

 _James Makes Sense Like A Talking Carrot_

 _The Weekend In Which Telemancer Publishes 3 Chapters_

 _Lily is very angry at her feelings…_

 _This Chapter Is As Short As Edward Elric (and Mancer) #tele is now in the hospital_

 **I'm A Little Chapter, Short and Stout…**

 **The Chapter of Many Titles!**

"Yes, at last, ultimate power! It surges through my body, sending tingles up my spine! I finally have the power to find out what's going on! Sadly, my entire plan rests on a rat," James thought to himself, as he sat outside The Three Broomsticks, spying on his best friend. His plan had succeeded so he could now do as he pleased. Deciding to waste his day at the quidditch store, James left.

As soon as James was out of sight, Lupin stopped making random comments, "Lily, there's a rat in your purse," he said calmly.

"What?!" Lily said 'calmly'.

"I planted a rat in your purse."

"What? I'm so confused?" Lily huffed. Lupin stuck his hand in Lily's purse and pulled out a fat rat.

"Wait, is that Wormtail?" Sirius laughed. Lily barely listened to Sirius, and conveniently didn't hear his slight slip up.

"Yes, this was James's brilliant plan to spy on you. He made me and Wormtail help him."

"Wow, I'm surprised, it actually makes more sense than a talking parrot. Though it still annoys me that he was trying spy!" Lily complained, exasperated.

"Yes, well, I thought I should tell you. Although I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about my betrayal, and just said you found a rat in your purse when you trying to get your wallet or something."

"You know, I take back what I said about his plan making any sense! How could he use a rat in my purse to listen to my conversation? There's no spell that can do that. He's an idiot!

"Almost as much of an idiot as a ferret," added Sirius helpfully.

"Well he certainly didn't think things through, but I guess he was just desperate to find out why you guys have become friends recently."

"Oh yeah, about tha…" Sirius started but Remus cut him off.

"It's okay I've already figured everything out down to the last straw!"

"Wha-what how?" Sirius stammered.

"I know things!"

"What the hell kind of answer is that! How did you actually figure it out?"

"I have always been good at reading people and the way they look at other people," Remus said, wriggling his eyebrows.

Lily started laughing at this before asking, "Where'd you guys find this rat anyway?'  
"Oh um," Remus stammered, " Hagrid gave him to us, I think his same was Scabbard, because Hagrid saw him trying to eat a sword or something." Remus said nervously.

"And James thought he could use it to spy on me? I don't know how you two can put up with that idiot! He is about as smart a cat that thinks he's a frog!" Lily said angrily.

"Now, now Lily, don't you think you're being a little to harsh?" Remus reasoned, realizing that it was his fault for Lily's current James-rant.

"No, the only way I could ever be friends with a fool like that were if he changed, and proved himself in someway!" Lily said adamantly.

 _Sorry I know it's a short one but we was having such a difficult time writing it._

 **On the bright side we have some plot going on!**

 _Don't worry Lily I shall force James to change._

 **Then the two of you can ride off into the sunset!**

 _Did anyone catch the Frosch joke I made in there?_

 **I did. #sexyasfrosch**

 _Fro thinks so also._

 **I think that is the perfect way to end this story!**

 _Fro thinks so also._

 **Have a wonderful day!**

 _Have fun._

 **Tele, you're an idiot…! ^ - ^**

 _Fro thinks so also! How do you make a frog/cat face?_

 **No idea. Let's publish this thing!**

 _YEAH!_


	8. The Name's Potter, James Potter

Chapter 8 - The Name's Potter, James Potter

 _Guys I am so sorry for the long wait!_

 **We were busy, but I know that isn't an excuse.**

 _On the bright side I'm kinda on a roll with this story so I may actually try to finish all the rough drafts for it today!_

 **Wow, and I always thought you had a hard time writing ruff drafts for this one!**

 _I did but now that I know where I'm going with it it's much easier!_

 **Well enjoy!**

A while later, James exited the Quidditch supply store with a bag full of merchandise and a heart full of hope. Figuring it was about time to meet up with Peter and Remus, he started walking towards The Three Broomsticks. When safely away from the crowds that always inhabited The Three Broomsticks, James searched for any signs of his friends. Remus was sitting in the very back looking thoughtful. Making his way to his friend, James heard snippets of different conversations.

"OMG, then this guy was like wow! And I was like WHHHHHHAAAAAA!" a boy to his left practically yelled.

"I don't think he even notices me!" This was a student James recognized from his charms class.

"There is one thing I can tell you for sure, your feelings are not unrequited!" Recognizing the voice, James turned to see Lily talking to Sirius with a sympathetic look in his eyes.

"Was that really the reason Sirius and Lily became best friends? Why hadn't Lupin just told him he had a crush on some girl? I wouldn't even have minded too much if it were a Slytherin, maybe", James thought to himself, vowing to approach Sirius about it later. His pride as a best friend was slightly ruined.

James slumped in the chair across from Lupin. "Find anything out?" he asked half heartedly.

Ignoring his friend's mood change he replied, "Nope, Lily found the rat when Peter started snoring up a storm."

"That's alright, I think I may have figured it out anyway." James sighed, trying to project his sadness.

"Really," Remus started, "And how do you feel about it?"

"Why would I care - it's just some crush? I'm just hurt he didn't tell me, I could totally help him win this girl over!"

Realization slipped over Remus's face before he hid it with a half smile, "Maybe you should ask him, you know clear the air a little."

"Will do, I just want this to be over so we can go back to the way everything was before."

Remus smiled at his friend, aware he had matured even just over the past week. Though deep down inside knowing that their small group of friends would never be exactly the same as it was before.

 _I put in some hints that I don't think even Mancer picked up on them!_

 **I did too!**

 _Sure ya did, if you have any guesses about anything, this is the last chapter before the TRUTH is revealed!_

 **But we all have our own truth!**

 _Ooooh, nice FMAB reference!_


	9. Chapter 9 - Bro Chat bro chat

Chapter 9 - Bro Chat

 _Another chapter, I know we're amazing!_

 **Please hold your applause till the end. ;) Though we know it doesn't make up for how long we were gone for.**

 _Without further ado- either the second to last or third to last, or neither chapter!_

James spent most of the walk back from Hogsmeade thinking about Sirius and ways he could help him with his crush. Other thoughts flitted through his head, flying around like freshly caught Cornish Pixies. Thoughts like, why James wasn't told about Sirius' crush, ways to get him together with his crush, and whether Sirius had put a good word for him in with Lily. Before he knew it, James was back in the Gryffindor common room.

Strangely enough, Sirius almost immediately made his way upstairs. Thinking it would be the perfect opportunity to talk to him, James made his way to the dorm. After climbing the stairs and pulling open the door, he saw Sirius sitting by the window looking out, drawing on the fog coating the window. He was doodling a bunch of random things, but James couldn't help but notice the large abundance of hearts.

"No way! My best friend, coolest kid in school, biggest player doesn't get heart sick." James said with a kidding tone to his voice trying to start the conversation out with humor.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, you forget who I am?" Sirius responded, not taking his eyes away from the window. James decided it was best to just come clean, " I overheard Lily telling you she had no doubt your feelings were requited."

"James, this is why you don't spy, you completely missed the meaning of that conversati-"

James cut him off, " Don't worry, I've been smitten with the same girl for years, no judgements here. I just don't understand why you didn't tell me in the very beginning."

"I already told you, I don't have a crush!" Sirius said anger blazing in his eyes.

"Don't try to fool me, you've been doodling hearts, and have been so quiet the past week!"

"It's none of your damn business!" Sirius yelled.

James took a deep breath before turning towards Sirius, "You're my best friend, Sirius, so it is my business. Yes, I may be arrogant. Yes, I may not always be understanding. But, I'm no hypocrite! You can like whoever you like. I won't treat you any different!"

"I like Davey Gudgeon, are you satisfied?"

" _What do I know about Davey Gudgeon,"_ James thought to himself, " _Hufflepuff, brown haired, he almost lost an eye to the whomping willow… HE… oooooooooooh"_ James mentally face palmed.

"Oh, he finally gets it! I'm gay, James, are you happy now?"

 _Hahahahaha!_

 **Did anyone see this coming?**

 _I did!_

 **Tele you don't count, you knew the whole time!**

 _Fu, fu you're just jelly you didn't see it coming!_

 **Tele I saw it coming! Why because I know things!**

 _*Cough* Jelly *Cough* You told me yourself you didn't see it coming!_

 **Fine, fine! I would if we hadn't taken so long to update.**


	10. Camarero, Camarero, Me Traes El Menú

Chappy 10 - Camarero, Camarero, Me Traes El Menú

 _Hey guys! Disclaimer and such! Now go ahead and read!_

 **Woah there someone's in a rush!**

 _Ha, I just think this chapter is hilarious! I really like the dinner part you wrote!_

 **Aw thanka, you are seriously blazing through this fic, I love it, it's amazing!**

 _Ohohohoh stop, you're making me blush! =^ 3 ^=_

 **Lol, okay y'all enjoy the Jello filled second to last chapter!**

 _Or is it the third to last…_

James stood there, stupidly, his mind racing. _Okay, so he likes guys. How have I not noticed? I mean he hasn't ever showed a bunch of interest in a particular girl. But I thought he was just a player. I guess I was wrong. Wow, I really had no clue!_

Sirius turned back to the window. He whispered something barely loud enough for James to here, "So now you know, and can reject me just like my family."

James not knowing what to say, simply let his actions speak for themselves. He wrapped his best friend of years into a hug.

"Sirius, your sexuality won't make me treat you any differently. What kind of best friend do you take me for? I won't judge you, I promise."

Sirius turned around and gave James the first real smile he had for a whole week. "Thanks."

"Now,", James said smirking, "Tell me about this Davey Gudgeon!" A mischievous grin sneaking back into his eyes.

As Sirius talked, James let his mind wander. He supported Sirius and, according to Lily, this Davey liked him back. So, all that was left was getting them together. Looking back on his previous plan, James realized he may not have been as much of a genius as he thought. So what else was there to do but call together his best team. He decided they'd have a squad meeting tomorrow.

James woke up much earlier than he normally would, eager to get his best friend a boyfriend. Heading down to breakfast, he was pleased to see everyone he needed to help him already awake.

Doing his best to look cool, James strutted up to the table.

"You're up early," Remus commented not looking up from the book he was reading.

"I need Lily and your help!" James said, waving Lily over. Although Lily at first looked skeptical, she eventually made her way over to the two boys.

"What do you need, James?" Lily sighed.

"Well, I know that both of you already know about Sirius," James said giving them a meaningful look, " And I want to help them get together, but I don't have enough skill at making plans that work." James said the last part quietly with a slight pout.

"My my, the great, magnificent, James Potter admitting one of his many imperfections! I'm shocked!" Lily gasped.

"Haha, hilarious! Now will you help me?" James said, impatiently. Lily coughed and it sounded suspiciously like she had said, "And delusional."

"I see nothing wrong with helping you as long as we're not too forceful, it has to mostly be them after all," Remus said, always the voice of reason.

"I'm in, I've been trying for two weeks to get Sirius to confess. So I think more action needs to be taken."

After that the three started scheming, wanting the plan to go perfectly.

"I have it! We should trap them in the broom closet," James said, jumping up from the table.

"James, that is the most overused idea ever, we aren't using it!" Lily said, still smiling.

"Fine then, I say we use the Room of _Requirement_ and - " James started, before Lily cut him off.

"No."

"Kidnap them and feed them cheese until they're too full to move."

"What? No."

"Fly them up to chandelier and tr-"

"No."

"Push Davey off of the astronomy tower and have Sirius catch him on a broom."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Dangerous. And illegal."

"Feed them love potion."

"No."

"Felix so Sirius feels lucky and asks him out."

"No."

"Lead them into the Forbidden Forest - "

"Because the atmosphere is _just so_ romantic there?"

"Stop flirting, you two, I know just what to do," Lupin sighed and whispered his idea to the two idiots in denial.

Lily, still blushing, only managed to nod her head. James, with a ridiculous grin, that he was clearly trying to hide, agreed wholeheartedly. Sirius walked into the dining hall and the impromptu meeting dispersed. All were excited for the madness that will ensue during the coming weekend and knew their new OTP was likely to become canon with them on the case..

A few planning filled days later, it was finally the weekend - which meant that it was time for Operation: Get Sirius a Boyfriend (and in James' mind - Also, Get James a Girlfriend *ahem* Lily *ahem*). The Operation was to take place in the hopefully empty Gryffindor common room, with Remus hiding in the shadows as back up, Lily commanding the agents, and James as the waiter - in disguise. The Operation was wonderfully detailed and, James thought happily, it all started with one note…

 **Yoooooooo my mmaaaannnn**

 **Hey Sirius it's your mmmaaaannnnn and I wanna help you get some aaacccctttiiiooonnnnn ;) ;D ;3 come to the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM - even tho I'm DEFINITELY not a Gryffindor (GO LIOOONNNSSSSSS) - at 6:00 pm SHARP bring your wittle (Huffle) puff (GO BADGERSSSSSSSSS) there will b romantic dinner waiting for you and your maaaaannnnnn (not me of course silly I meant your other maannnn). See you sssssooooonnnnn ;p ;p ;p !**

 **Ja** **YOUR MMAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN**

 **PS: I hope your date likes him some SQUISHY DESSERTSTUFF!**

James was very proud of this note and he spent a long time scribbling out the "Ja" he had accidentally written. Lily and Remus were completely wrong in their view of the note being too obvious and stupid - whatever that meant. James huffed. They were such haters. And then, James remembered. He was supposed to be getting his best friend a boyfriend only an hour from the present time! Now was not the time to dilly dally around! Just wait until James Potter sallied in on a metaphorical stallion with the first boyfriend Sirius _Black_ had ever had (probably the first?)!

It was five minutes before six pm and James couldn't stop wiggling around, much to the annoyance of his future girlfriend (probably future?).

"Merlin's beard, James, stop moving around so much! I have to finish your disguise!" Lily reprimanded, foot tapping on the floor nervously. She leaned in again, pressing an eyeliner pencil, forming the lines of a very distinguished mustache. James sat still for another moment until Lily was done with the disguise. James looked fabulous, and that was where the resemblance to the normal James Potter ended. Waiter!James had blonde hair, a long beard, a curly mustache, and way too much rouge on his cheeks (Lily had a lot much fun with that). Finally, the scheme was ready, and just in time too, because Remus had just given the signal that Davey and Sirius were entering the Common Room. The two sat at the romantic table, put romantic napkins in their laps, poured a romantic beverage into their romantic glasses, and began their romantic conversation. Lily gave them a minute before shoving "Paul the French Waiter" out towards them.

"Why hello," James began in a frankly ridiculous French accent. "I'm 'Paul the French Waiter', aka your favorite fighting French waiter, at your service. Here are the menus, even though we only have one thing to serve you."

James or Paul, whichever he was, passed out menus before flouncing back towards Lily.

"Excuse me," Sirius began, a smirk on his face. "I don't like my current waiter, may I have a new one?"

James, Paul, turned around, an expression of vile anger and disgust painted across his face.

"No! How dare you even - ", James began to screech but was instantly interrupted.

"Now, Paul," began a woman who was almost floating down the stairs. "The customer is always right. I'm very sorry, Sirius Black, that this waiter is not satisfactory. I will be covering for him from now on."

"Fabulous," Sirius interjected, earning a glare from James and a sappy smile from Davey - which was returned.

"Now, what can I interest you with? Perhaps a romantic plate of one really long spaghetti noodle?" asked the woman, who had now been identified as Lily in a wig.

"I'm sorry," Davey said, speaking to Lily and James for the first time. "I can't eat gluten."

Lily smiled nervously, about to say something, when James yelled. Loudly. Very loudly.

"IS GLUTEN EVEN A THING?"

"YES J-, _PAUL_ , GLUTEN IS A THING! JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF IT BEFORE DOESN'T MEAN IT DOESN'T EXIST! YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, YOU ARROGANT TOERAG!"

Yeah, the new waitress was definitely Lily. She turned back to Davey and Sirius, who were giggling uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry, please allow me to discuss with my fellow waiter, if he can even be called that," Lily muttered darkly, "and we will try to find something else as a main course."

Lily took James' forearm, and dragged him away towards Remus.

"What the heck are we going to do?" worried Lily. "It's ruined, our entire plan is ruined!"

"I still don't think gluten is a thing," muttered James.

"It's a thing, 'Paul'" Remus and Lily chorused, and then high fived.

"Gluten," the werewolf began, "a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. Can cause illness in people with celiac disease. Basically, definitely a thing."

James crossed his arms and mumbled angrily under his breath.

"So what do we doooooooooooooooo?!" continued Lily.

"Maybe go visit the Kitchens?" suggested Remus. "It would take a while but - "

"I GOT IT!" exclaimed James, dark mood gone instantly. He took Remus' (man) satchel and rifled through it frantically before pulling a paper package out. "JELLO!"

There was a moment of silence before Lily and Remus began ranting at James at the exact same time.

"Where did you even get that Jello and why is it in my bag and that is not dinner what is wrong with you James Potter?" Remus said just as Lily started.

" _Jello_ , James Potter, _JELLO_? Not only is that _horrible_ substance disgustingly _squishy_ and _gross_ but who has _lime_ of all flavors, _lime_ for heaven's sake, what is _wrong_ with you James Potter!" Remus and Lily finished their rants together while James looked at the Jello bashfully.

"What if…" the Potter began, rummaging around in the (man) satchel once more, "we had enough Jello to make a castle?" And with that statement, James began dropping Jello packet after Jello packet on the ground, starting to form a miniature horse sized pile at their feet. To Lily's dismay, they were all lime-flavored. Lily Evans _really_ hated lime-flavored Jello. She counted 27 before Remus stole his satchel back.

"No," Lily decided. "Just no."

Then, turning to look at the romantic dinner table, she gasped.

 _It worked! I can't believe it! They're kissing!_ Remus thought-squealed, happy his plan had succeeded.

 _Wow that worked better than I thought it would. Maybe I should leave, after all, this is private. Although I'm not sure James got the message,_ Lily thought-said, face-palming.

 _Ooooh, they're kissing! It worked! I'm an absolute genius! Plus, my acting was - What is Lily_ doing _, that weirdo! It's like she's trying to communicate a message…_ James thought with a smug smile.

Eventually, James understood Lily's signal and the three exited the premises, extremely proud of themselves.

But boy, did Sirius owe them big time. A nice long foot rub could be in order. But, that could wait, because Sirius and Davey were getting some 'aaaccctttiiiooonnn' right now.

 **Hehe, Jily flirting, makes me happy!**

 _Yep, and confusion over gluten._

 **Well the story is coming to a conclusion!**

 _The last chapter is next (minus the epilogue)!_

 **See y'all!**

 _Bye-nii!_


	11. Breakfast Battle 1 (awesome wow)

Chapter 11 - Breakfast Battle #1 (Awesome Wow)

 _The rough draft for this chapter was so hard to write!_

 **Yeah, you just sat there without typing anything for like 5 minutes.**

 _It was because of_ _ **(Content deleted due to spoilers).**_

 **Well here is the last chapter.**

 _Though we are most likely writing an epilogue._

James felt that he had done more this weekend to be proud of then he had done in his entire life. He had done something really great for his friend, and not that he cared that much _per say_ , he rather cared more about the fact that he spent some good time with Lily. And Remus. He also had realized he would make a fantastic actor if he wanted to be one!

So it was of course no surprise that when Sirius walked into the great hall holding hands with his new boyfriend, James squealed and fell off his seat. In a very manly way of course.

After saying goodbye to Davey the Hufflepuff, Sirius made his way over to them a badly hid grin on his face. James not letting the perfect opportunity to tease slip by playfully elbowed Sirius, "You're looking awful chipper this morning, any particular reason why?"

"You should know the reason, so I don't feel the need to explain it to you James,"Sirius said, the grin not faltering once.

"Nope, I was so proud yesterday that I forgot what I was proud of so you're going to have to remind me!" James drawled. Lily snorted from the other side of the table, earning a wink from James. Sirius rolled his eyes and started eating without bothering to respond.

After a short time passed with everyone eating quietly, a group of three students sauntered up to the table. James recognised one of them as a younger Gryffindor, but had no clue who any of the other students were.

Without saying a word, they walked behind Sirius, and Unknown Student Number 1, as James so kindly named him, shoved the dark haired boy's face into his plate of eggs. Sirius looked up, two pieces of egg dripping down his face, with a murderous glint in his eyes. Before he could do anything, however, the student started talking.

"I can't believe it! Sirius Black, reining prank-star, legendary player, is a gay. How could someone like him be one of the most popular kids in the school! Hogwarts should be ashamed! Has this school really gone to the dogs in such a way as this, has Sirius Black going to bring the school to the brink of dabbling in a disgusting mess of accepting gayness? I am going to make sure you leave this school and never come back. You're not welcome here, you hand holding, flower sniffing poof!"

Surprisingly, Sirius did not punch the student in his normal Gryffindor fashion. Instead, he stared at his plate, not even bothering to wipe the eggs off his face.

Lily opened her mouth her mouth angrily about to verbally throwdown these rapscallions. But, before she could say anything James began her with a snarl.

"You must be out of your goddamn mind if you think it's bad that my friend Sirius Black, is gonna bring our school to the brink of dabbling in a "disgusting" mess of accepting gayness! Because it is not disgusting, it is wonderful! How long did it take you to write that speech you bastard? You can tell it was planned because it was the stupidest, unoriginal, small-minded, thing I have ever heard. If you have a problem with Sirius just because of his sexuality, then you are no better than a Death Eater. Even if you disagree with it, that does not give you the right to control other people's lives. For instance, Sirius never shoved eggs up your nose because you're a total jackass. Which by the way is a choice, but you don't get to choose your sexuality!"

By now most of the teachers and student body was listening, which was unsurprising considering how loudly James was yelling. "I suggest you leave our table now, before I lose my temper!" With those last words James slumped back down into his seat. The three disruptors practically sprinted out of the great hall, looking extremely miffed.

As Davey walked over to their table, a worried look on his face. Sirius looked up, his grin slowly returning as quietly spoke to James, "Thanks. James you're one of the greatest friends I've got!"

"Hey, no problem. Those jerks had it coming!" James said, smirking.

As Lily watched the Gryffindor table slip back into normality she couldn't help but think that maybe, maybe, the arrogant, smug, adorable Gryffindor sitting in front of her wasn't as bad as she thought. That speech he gave, the way he stood up for his friends was refreshing, and kind of attractive. And _just maybe_ next time he asked her out, she wouldn't be able to say not to his cute hopeful face.

Perhaps Sirius and Davey and James and her could double date sometime…

 _It took me 20 minutes just to write the short speech unknown student number one said. Because it was so hateful!_

 **Sorry Tele but you got it done YAAAAY!**

 _Um hem_

 **So sad because this is the last official WIYH chappy!**

 _Yeah but there's still the epilogue!_

 **Yeah I guess..**

 _Bye-nii!_

 **Until next time!**


	12. Back in Black, Sirius Black (Epilogue)

**Epilogue- Back in Black- Sirius Black**

 _Waaaa, waaaaa, the pain :,(_

 **I know it's the last chapter! :,(**

 _I hope you enjoy the last chapter of Who Insulted Your Hippogriff *Sniffles*_

 **Just a warning this chapter is bitter sweet.**

 _Oh and for you of those who don't know Davey Gudgeon is a real Harry Potter character._

 **He is the one who nearly lost an eye to the Whomping Willow.**

 _We don't own him, or any other Harry Potter stuff._

 **Without further ado, the final instalment…**

 _:'(_

Looking back on his life, Sirius Black could call it many things. An adventure, a tragedy, a tale of misery, but a fairy tale was not one of them. If his life were a fairy tale, after meeting his Prince Charming, they would have lived happily ever after. Sadly, in a world with Voldemort, happily ever after was as rare as James admitting he was wrong.

After graduating from Hogwarts, everything started to go wrong. Soon after graduation, James and Lily got married which was great - of course. Unfortunately, it meant that James and Lily became a family and Sirius Black was now an outsider, despite what the happy couple insisted. But that was okay, Sirius had Davey.

He and Davey had been dating for two years. Yes, they faced prejudice but they were happy nonetheless. After all, Sirius was never the type of person to submit to the horde. Although, he was slightly sad to see his title of womanizer go down the drain. What? He had spent years building up that reputation.

But not everything can last. After half a year, Davey Gudgeon was targeted by the Dark Lord because of his family. He was killed, _murdered_ , soon after and Sirius was stuck going to a funeral, absolutely grief stricken. Of course through all this, his emotional turmoil was worse than it had ever been. The anger he felt towards his family before, and even after, he ran away was nothing compared to this sadness. James and Lily were always there, gripping his hand, saying kind things, and helping him deal with the grief. Although Sirius never cried, the melancholy had a firm hold on his life.

By the time Sirius Black had gotten over his grief enough to go about his normal life, tragedy once again struck and he was thrown back into depression. Upon Lily and James' death, Sirius had lost almost everyone dear to him. And somehow, that was still not enough punishment for one man's life and he was thrown into Azkaban for a crime he didn't commit. But still, he never cried.

There were only two things that kept him sane well he lived out his life in a cell. One, the fact that he was innocent. Two, the fact that James, Lily, and Davey knew he was innocent. And three, of course, that little Harry Potter, and that betrayer Peter Pettigrew, were still alive. When he finally did escape to get revenge, he held on to these thoughts as everyone, even his godson, wrongly called him a murderer. It was all that kept him from slipping into grief. Unlike the other criminals in Azkaban, he still never cried.

Life at Grimmauld Place was hard. Seeing Tonks and Lupin fall in love, and even seeing the redhead, reminded him of his previous romantic endeavors. It made him lonely, to say the least. He had more people who believed in his innocence though so he once more pushed away his sadness and never let himself shed tears.

These were all the thoughts that passed through the head of one Sirius Black as he fell backwards, away from his loneliness, into the white flowing veil. He was unafraid of death, as his young self had been. He let himself relax as he awaited whatever was to come next.

Opening his eyes, he looked around. Not believing his eyes, Sirius scanned the place again. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime of grief, Sirius felt tears pouring down his tired face. Standing around him, Sirius saw everyone dear to him.

"Thank you for taking care of our son," Lily said stepping forward.

"Thanks, for sparing Peter's life," James smiled, taking Lily's hand, hair as crazy as ever.

All around the circle, people Sirius had lost stepped forward, and greeted him in their own ways. Finally, the last person in the circle stepped up to speak.

"Hey hotstuff! How have you been?" Davey asked, trying and failing to strut up to him.

"Just because I haven't seen you for years doesn't mean you are suddenly cool," Sirius stated, trying to sound annoyed. Then he wiped his tears away and leaned forward to kiss Davey.

After years of sadness and loneliness, Sirius Black's heart was finally filled with joy.

 _Whelp that's the end. I couldn't find my groove well writing the draft so it's not as good as I would have liked but what are you going to do._

 **I just can't believe that we finished it.**

 _It did take us awhile considering how short it is._

 **Thank you so much for reading our story!**

 _And for the very last time on this story, goodbye!_


End file.
